Your child drops the box of cheerios on the floor for the third time this morning and…
You SNAP, SHOUT, or BLOW UP like Vesuvius.
Your reaction is bigger than what triggered it and, as quickly as your blood boiled, you descend into guilt, regret, and self-criticism.
Your inner voice pipes up, “You’re a terrible mother, you’re failing as a parent. You’re probably traumatising your child and, worst of all, you’re just like your parents, repeating the same mistakes they made.”
You’re not alone, we’ve ALL been there (too many times to count) and this is the stuff that makes us human.
It might help to know that it actually BENEFITS your child to know that you’re not perfect, and that we all make mistakes; as long as they also learn how to repair after conflict – to come back to safety and connection…
That’s what actually MATTERS in these moments and here’s where you can get a complete understanding of repair, from reaction to reconnection, so that you can start practicing it with your child, resolve those tense triggered moments more effectively, and strengthen your relationship.
Why This Doesn’t Come Naturally To Us But It’s CRUCIAL For Our Children
We didn’t have this process of repair modelled for us, so of course we don’t know how to practice it ourselves.
We didn’t get to feel emotionally safe, or have the disconnect fixed, when we needed to, because our parents didn’t know how, or why we needed more than just our basic needs to be met. They also didn’t understand children’s development like we do today.
The concept of repair and making sure children feel safe and connected to their parents has been absent in childhood for far too long. It’s a long old pattern that’s been passed down through generations, and it’s a cycle we need to break.
(We’re also triggered very easily, because we’re carrying emotional baggage from our own childhoods – that needs healing – but that’s a story for another day.)
For now, let’s focus on the MOST CRUCIAL part of changing things for our children, the absolute key part of making our children feel seen, heard, SAFE and connected.
I wish ALL parents knew that repair is the most important part of raising the next generation.
The Part Most Parents Miss
Until you really understand cycle breaking parenting, it feels like you’re walking on eggshells.
You’re trying to not traumatise your child so you’re forever trying not to shout or react at all, and you think you always need to ‘get it right’. But that’s not real life, and it doesn’t prepare your child for real life either.
What you NEED to know, more than anything else, is how to repair any conflict or disconnect; after those life challenges happen. Your child needs you to know how to bring them back to safety, trust, and connection with you.
I’m about to give you 4 simple steps to get you started with effective repair, so that you can support your child’s emotional journey after any conflict or incident, whether that’s with you or someone else…
4 Steps to Repair – After An Argument, Conflict, Or Disconnect With Your Child
1. Wait until you’re both ready
Give yourself a moment to calm down, even slightly, and your child is open to listening, at the very least. Sometimes this happens quickly, but sometimes repair needs to be delayed by a day or so (common for teenagers who often need more time and space than younger children). It’s still very important that you come back to it.
2. Acknowledge what happened and why
Let your child know that you’re present in this experience with them – apologise if that’s appropriate, explain what happened and why, in simple terms without blame (you can even treat it like a commentary).
3. Validate their feelings
Name the feeling you’ve observed in them, “I can see you’re upset” or “It seems like that scared you” (this helps them understand how they’re reacting) then invite any questions or conversation while taking their lead.
4. Reconnect through presence
Suggest something you can do together to reconnect (you’ll know best what that is for your child – here are some ideas: a cuddle, a story, playing a game, watching tv, going to the park, or something else).
Why Your Child NEEDS You To Practice Repair
Learning how to support your child through difficult moments sets them up FOR LIFE.
Guiding them through this process helps your child become familiar with the practice of repair, of moving from reaction to reconnection, until eventually they can practice repair independently.
As adults, they won’t overthink every reaction, or feel unsafe during conflict (which is probably how you feel, I know I do).
Helping them come back to safety and maintaining your connection with them is SO important, for both of you.
They need the stability, predictability and ability to trust that you’ll be there for them, and this is not only the most crucial part of breaking the generational cycle of out-dated parenting, but also how you’ll build the relationship you want to have with your child, now and for the rest of your life.
If You Want A Strong Lifelong Connection With Your Child
Learning how to repair is the key to making sure your child feels safe with you, trusts you to be there for them, and builds a strong foundation for a lifelong loving relationship.
Because I want every parent in the world to know how to do this, I’ve created The FREE Repair Masterclass: From Repair to Reconnection, which covers this entire topic:
- What repair is and why it’s so important for your child as they grow and develop
- Why it doesn’t come naturally to us and why we need to learn how to do this
- How to actually bring your child back to safety after any incident at every age, and
- How to reconnect with your child when tensions are high, from toddlers to teens.
After watching this masterclass, you’ll know how to talk to your child in a way that truly makes them feel seen, heard and included in this process.
You’ll see them come back to their sense of safety and trust in you, so much quicker, and you’ll both feel the strength of your connection.
👉 Get instant access to The Repair Masterclass: From Reaction to Reconnection here
If you take nothing else from the work I do – I would love for you to truly understand repair and practice this fully within your family, because when we break the cycle of how we were parented, we can raise an incredibly connected and compassionate generation of children.